Do Hospice Care Patients Need Permission to Let Go?

• One registered nurse never understood the idea of giving patients in hospice care permission to move on until it applied to her family.  
• In watching her mother’s health change after a lung cancer diagnosis, the family decided to move their matriarch from in-home care to a hospice care facility.  
• It was not until she told her mother it was time to go and that the grandchildren would be cared for that her mother passed — in the facility after all family members had left.  

I read somewhere that a patient doesn’t leave this world unless they’ve finished their business here on Earth. It’s a psychological question that intrigues many. As a registered nurse, I never understood or embraced this phenomenon, as it never applied to my family. It seemed, to me, so distressing to give someone permission to pass on.

Where did I get this power from? So, I asked myself if they needed permission to leave. From all the research I have perused, it would seem so.

True Life Experience

I experienced this for myself when my mother was losing her 17-month battle with lung cancer. I have never blessed someone to leave their life here to move on to a more heavenly home. She was placed in hospice care at home, which, in hindsight, was not a great situation. Nurses visit all hours of the day into the night, asking to wake her up to check on her. I have known many end-of-life hospice care nurses who deeply respect and handle what they do with compassion and empathy, but this was a different circumstance. It was time to speak to the ownership of the hospice organization and have her moved into an in-house hospice facility. My mother was forced into the in-house hospice the next day.

I decided to visit her in the new hospice residence and was shocked to see her in a non-responsive state so soon after the move. We were talking the day before. Some relatives were sitting with her, speaking quietly so as not to wake her. I politely dismissed them, thanking them for staying with her until I arrived.

I looked at my younger sister and told her what we needed to do, and she agreed. We held her hand and told her it was time to go, that my father was waiting for her to arrive. We promised to care for all the grandchildren, so she did not need to worry. Her mind could be free from the burden of concern for their well-being. Now that I am a grandmother of four, I understand her situation.

Knowing the Role of Hospice Care

I left the hospice house and drove home to Pennsylvania, allowing my tears to fall as I knew my mother had heard our promises. I had never given anyone permission to leave this life and prepare for the next chapter of their life, which was reuniting with my father. I asked myself if I did the right thing. Did I have the authority within me to give someone that blessing?          

My phone rang at 1:45 in the morning, and at that moment, I knew my mother had listened to me and given her approval to join my father in heaven. I asked Maria, her hospice nurse, if I should have stayed with her longer instead of leaving. Her answer was clear and direct: My mother would not have gone if I had stayed. By giving her our permission, she felt free. There was no unfinished business for her here, allowing her to pass freely.

I still remember that day, wondering if I did the correct thing. I feel that I did in my heart, although, at the time, it felt like a hard heart-to-heart talk with my mother. I hope she understood I intended to free her from worries, fears, and any uncertainties she might have had about passing. It was time for her to move on. 

The Bottom Line

To this day, I still believe that hospice patients do need that permission and blessing to begin a new chapter in their lives. And yes, I would do it again if the situation ever arose with a loved one. To me, it was the true power of love. 

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